Of Superficiality and Ugly Non-Prescription Glasses

I'm speechless. Seriously, I don't even know how to preface the horrors and absolute asshattery I'm witnessing at this moment. And who would've guessed that I'm watching it on MTV?! Shocker, right?

True Life: I'm a Sugar Baby. Huh say whaaa?

Olivia, 21, is looking for a sugar daddy. Why? Because "Like...I like having, like, nice stuff...but like, I really don't feel like...you know...doing anything for it." I'll give you a minute to soak up that brilliant mind-gem. Now I'm gonna encourage you to go get a drink of water or read a Shakespearean sonnet, or really anything that might encourage a few brain cells to regenerate, ok?

So she needs a man who will wine and dine her and buy her expensive clothes and jewelry and, oh hey, I'm looking to go to Italy and the Caribbean and, well, basically everywhere in the entire world staying at 5-star hotels, so how's about you fly me all around the world, mmkay? Peachy, thanks. Oh, but I'm trying to get back with my ex, so can we have your condo while we mend our relationship? Great, you're just aces, gramps!

GG, 21, is in LA, trying to launch a music career while teaching hip-hop in stripper heels (I have no freaking clue). Apparently stripper-heel-hip-hop hasn't quite caught on like she would have hoped (or, more likely, hallucinated) it would, and it doesn't cover her bills, or the investments she needs to make in order to begin the music career she so desires, oh, or of course there's the lifestyle she desires, full of $500+ pairs of shoes and purses and sunglasses that just get HANDED to her.

THE KICKER: These girls expect their sugar daddies to pay for every dinner, piece of jewelry, flight, hotel, VIP lounge night, and bottle of champagne whose name people like me are too poor to even be allowed to know how to PRONOUNCE...completely willingly, without hesitation, and with no expectation of any physical relationship with them. One of them even said "That's just gross!" after getting off the phone with her SD who said, "This relationship needs to have some give and take. It's a two-way street."

Now let THAT sit there and soak into your brain matter. Uh-huh, that feeling is your brain twisting itself in knots and gajillions of neurons firing at the same time to try and make this compute. Little hint: it won't compute...ever.

But somehow she gets money and gifts and he gets sex and it's not prostitution.

Krystina...WFT?!

Well, who'd want to, I guess...

And then there's Shaun. Dear, sweet Shaun.

Shaun, 22, is looking for a sugar-mama-cougar because, similarly to Olivia's completely reasonable statement regarding employment or furthering herself as a human being in any way, "I work at a computer software company right now, but like...I don't want the nine-to-five work lifestyle." Apparently earning anything that's out of his reach in life is "just not him."

One of his equally intelligent friends (who I almost thought was gay when he came flouncing in front of the cameras the first time, but by the end I couldn't tell) tried to play wingman/life coach/fashion consultant/dating-a-cougar guru and took him to a club that was known to be heavily laden with those classy ladies who obviously spent way too much time in the sun when they were younger (you know, before they invented skin cancer) and have had obvious botox and facelifts and have that teeny bit of a pooch above their jeans that just screams, "I used to be super hot and in shape and I want you to still believe I'm that fit, but I have a child who graduated high school two years behind you!" You know. Those fine, upstanding women that are probably at a club like that to have one last affair before their baby-making parts lose the battle with gravity and fall out of their bodies and onto the ground between their feet one day in the middle of Bergdorfs (I had to Google that place to make sure I was on target with the whole rich-middle-aged-woman thing...appreciate the work I put into this, k?).

So anyway, a cougar walks up to this guy, WHO, I might add, is not attractive in the face, sweats like Nixon did in that one black-and-white Presidential debate against Kennedy like fifty years ago (the date on that one was NOT Googled, I just threw a big number out there), and is grossly out of shape...and wears a puca shell necklace, and asks "How old are you, anyway?" What's his response? "How old do you think I am?"

*record scratch* Is that not a game guys played in that awkward middle school-to-high school transition when they were trying to grab some 11th grader's boob? And didn't she always roll her eyes and walk away feeling slightly better about herself, but slightly worse at the same time?

Anyway, the woman with whom he tried to play 13-year-old, acne-faced, 11th-grade-boob-grabbing games made it abundantly clear that he was in no way ready for a relationship with a woman who was old enough to not need a fake ID to purchase the pinot he'd later roofie. She called him "the epitome of a Scottsdale douche bag," turned around, and strutted her suspiciously young-looking backside far away from Shaun.

Cheers, you cradle-robbing "Real Housewives of Southern Arizona"-wannabe. You tell him.

In the "since the filming" section at the end of the show, I was very pleased to know that Olivia has a boyfriend her own age, GG has a full-time job with some accounting firm as a customer service rep and still has not put out an album and DOES NOT have a sugar daddy now, and Shaun's sugar mama got laid off (I wish I'd seen how that conversation went) and she then accepted a job in California...a very long way from Shaun.

THIS IS LIFE LESSON TIME, FRIENDS, SO LISTEN THE HECK UP!

Don't be stuck-up and shallow and expect to be handed anything you may want for nothing. People will not like you.

Or they'll at least want you to get naked for them. So I guess...if you like that kinda thing...go get yourself a sugar daddy/rich cougar?