I'm Not This Weird in Real Life, Maybe

I thought of something the other day.

I'm really, super, without a doubt, completely and totally awkward. And, you know, there are so many people who are totally aware of their awkwardness, but they OWN it (but not like Oprah...I can't even look at the word "own" in all caps now without getting annoyed that she bought out my favorite channel EVER), which makes it less awkward and just way endearing instead. Then they're just comfortable to be around, because you can always count on them to blurt out whatever they're thinking, or to spill the coffee, or trip on the escalator, or ask that lady when she's due, but it turns out she's not pregnant, she just has that very unfortunate body shape.

I am what I think is the worst kind of awkward. I end up sounding like a jerk A LOT and I end up looking very smug VERY OFTEN and I look like an idiot THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME because, well, somehow I missed that part of growing up where you learn how to interact with humans in a way that doesn't make you look ridiculous and douchey. 

For example, about a week ago, I was called to the Springs to fill in for three days at my old job, because technically I'm still employed at that company. My client's aunt and two cousins had just moved into her apartment, and they were there for my whole first 10 1/2 hour shift. They moved from a Spanish-speaking country, and although the aunt knew English just fine, her two kids only knew a few phrases.

First, my client's younger sister had picked about four movies for us to watch...and they were all Disney princess movies. Finally, I forced her to let one of her cousins (a boy) pick a movie. He was laughing when she got mad that he picked Cars and said, "She only wants to watch movies with princesses in them," except he said it in Spanish, and I'VE TAKEN OVER 4 YEARS OF SPANISH AND I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID, but instead of responding with, "Well, she chose The Incredibles, and that one doesn't have a princess in it," (which I ABSOLUTELY know enough Spanish to say!!) I nodded and laughed like a huge idiot who, I'm sure, he assumed was just pretending to know what he was saying. 

People, this was not an isolated incident. This went on for THREE 10-1/2-HOUR DAYS. I completely understood the gist of absolutely everything they said, and I could have responded every single time, and I would have been understood with the four-plus years of Spanish I've had and a few "charades"-type gestures. But what did I do? I sat and nodded and laughed at the appropriate times, and otherwise stayed absolutely silent, except for the time when the older cousin was trying to tell me "I don't want my brother to be picking her up too much because he has a cold (or a cough, I couldn't tell which he was pantomiming)" and I was an idiot and all I could freaking say was, "toz?" (Spanish for "cough"). 

Brilliant, Kristen, just brilliant.

There are also the incidents (which are far too numerous to count) where I pass someone on the street or alone in a hallway or something, and the person smiles at me and says, "Hi!" and I do this weird little corner-of-the-mouth twitch and grunt out something that kind of sounds like "hi," but is mostly not even close to being a word at all. I then avert my eyes very quickly and either chew on my cheek or pretend to be getting a text.

I picture it in my head, and I look like some junkie who hates interacting with humans. All twitchy and shifty. 

AND THEN there are the super fun times where I talk to someone who isn't way super close to me, like commenting on their picture or status or something on Facebook, and then I get this anxiety like, OMG I'm sure they totally don't want to talk to me and they're insulted that someone like me would dare to talk to them on the largest social networking site out right now (you have a way to go, Google+...you have a way to go) even though they agreed to be my friend, I mean how dare I initiate conversation, I've only known her for five years...

Wah, wah, wah, anxiety, insecurity, self-consciousness...

Basically, I feel like, with the exception of maybe a dozen people (out of the 260 ish friends on my Facebook)...

If I talk to you, you probably don't want to talk to me, and I'm probably bothering you, and I'm really sorry, but deep down it'd just be cool to have you as a friend, but I'm sure you don't want to be my friend, I mean look at you, you have like 3,941,983 friends on here, so why would you want to take time to be friends with me, but that profile picture you just put up is super cute and how do you get your hair to do that, because I really wish mine could look like that, I'm totally not saying I want to be like you cuz that'd be weird, I just really like your hair, and I'M NOT STALKING YOU, I PROMISE I'M A COMPLETELY NORMAL PERSON, I JUST HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO INTERACT WITH HUMAN BEINGS WITHOUT BEING REALLY ANNOYING APPARENTLY.

...be my friend?